Table
of contents
What
does it really take to reach the goals that will allow you to say
you're happy and satisfied with your life?
First, let
me say that I'm not here to give you a detailed "paint by numbers"
system. My approach to reaching your goals is based on my observation
over forty-five plus years as a medical practitioner that human
beings are endowed with the potential to act altruistically. In
times of stress and unfilled need, we may be distracted from this
quality. But given the opportunity, we want to make a contribution
to the world beyond us; to make a difference and leave the world
a better place for having lived in it.
I call this
desire to make a contribution the instrumental nature. It
is contagious. People "catch it" when they experience it. It travels
from one person to the next and is strengthened when exercised.
I've seen this happen over and over again.
We need strategies
to overcome the forces of fear and "laziness" that stop us from
using our instrumental nature constructively through performance.
We also need strategies to overcome temptation and achieve tasks
of abstinence. Remember, the better you perform according
to your own standards (not some arbitrary external standard),
the more likely you are to reach your goals.
Think that's
impossible, or that you're too lazy to change? I suggest there is
really no such thing as "laziness," especially when related to important
goals or objectives. In fact, laziness is a symptom that may have
any number of underlying causes, but should never be viewed as a
personal shortcoming or character flaw. This will become more apparent
as you begin to exercise your instrumental nature.
As you do better
by doing good, you'll be able to understand and prioritize those
things that you have been "lazy" about and begin to accomplish them.
You'll also get some help in the "lazy" department as you learn
how you can use abstinence as a tool to manage your behavior in
order to achieve your goals.
Back
to top
Performing
more effectively
Over the years,
I've developed a short list of what it takes to perform more effectively.
Simply put, you can: (1) arouse your own enthusiasm, (2) ease your
pain, (3) make your goal imperative, and (4) remove the temptations
that have been sidetracking your path to success.
As a means
to enhancing your goal-achieving skills, my four points may seem
pat, but when you pare down the main ideas in my book, How
To Reach Your Goals, they are at the heart of my experience.
My concern is that whether the words you are reading now are the
last you ever care to see on reaching your goals or, hopefully,
the beginning of a new productive time in your life, they'll enable
you to invent your own strategies for more effective performance.
I can help, but to really succeed, you must learn to help yourself.
Back
to top
Invincibility—Not
quite what you think!
Another constructive
notion for people who seek to strengthen their ability to reach
their goals is the idea of invincibility. When properly applied,
invincibility allows you to rid yourself of the misery due to adverse
circumstances. Long ago I realized we all need a readily tapped
and manageable source of strength if we are to overcome the hard
parts of being alive.
When I use
the term "invincibility," by the way, I am not speaking of creating
a combative, Spartan personality for yourself, but rather a useful
way of describing the instrumental nature as the basis for personal
freedom. The idea here is not to build a fortress around you, but
instead a set of skills and self-conscious ideas for working through
the normal ups and downs we all experience as human beings.
Viewing your
efforts to achieve this standard gives satisfaction directly from
the effort itself, no matter how formidable your task. Liberation
from unreasonable guilt relieves anxiety over things beyond your
control, such as regretful feelings, poor self-image, unreconciled
concerns over sexual orientation, or the conflicting demands we
face in dealing with family, work and friends. By embracing these
principles you can find a fulfilling life, freedom from fear, and
-- invincibility!
Yet, we must
be watchful, for invincibility is not a license to displace guilt
or anger onto others. The moral and ethical standards that serve
to underpin a just world play no less a role in a life made invincible.
As we learn to strengthen our selfhood, our unique self worth will
become more apparent, and with it, the opportunity to build stronger,
more productive relationships with those we encounter in our lives.
Back
to top
Impedance
and self-management
Reason and
logic are powerful tools for solving problems and creating self-motivating
"tidbits." Once you understand a problem and its causes, you'll
know where to apply the lever of reason. The more you know,
the better you'll do. All of us wish to govern ourselves by reason
rather than be subject to the ups and downs of varying emotional
states. Anything that keeps us from carrying out our intentions,
such as causing us to procrastinate, we can think of as impedance.
Calling impedance
"laziness" or "lack of will power" is useless and harmful. Useless
because it gives no insight into the nature of the impedance, and
harmful because it implies there is something wrong with us. The
good news is that you are not wrong for being yourself. The bad
news is that you need to understand yourself and then act on that
understanding if you want to reach your goals.
I am not, you
will be happy to hear, talking primarily about changing your behavior,
per se. We all need self-control and self-discipline, of
course. But it is one thing to state a desire to change and another
to effect that change. Behavior therapy proclaims, "If you want
to change yourself, change your behavior." That's great if you can
do it! No doubt you have already found that it is not all that simple.
Self-management
strategies described in How To Reach Your Goals are
based on reason and logical analysis as methods of developing self-management
strategies. The techniques are reasonably simple and straightforward.
When given a thoughtful reading, they represent a means by which
you can begin to modify your behavior in ways you can manage. And
all without the drudgery, backsliding and guilt of "behavior modification."
Remember, the
issue here is reaching your goals. Stay focused on that and you'll
begin to achieve results based on your progress, not whether you're
a good, bad, or self-disciplined person.
Back
to top
Analyze
the impedance
It is not that
you are bad, selfish or weak in character. To think of your problem
as an issue of character is self-defeating.
You may discover
that you have been feeling driven by peer pressure, unjustified
feelings of obligation, or a desire to create or preserve a self
image that has little or nothing to do with who you are.
Very often,
the reason for procrastination is some inner fear, such as being
afraid to make a mistake or to be perceived as inadequate. You may
also be experiencing resistance, which has a logic of its own. Let
me show you what I mean.
Childhood is
the wrong way to start life! Unless your parents had exceptional
child rearing skills, you were probably trained to be a "good little
child," not a fully realized, self-motivated individual. You may
need to reverse some of that training to succeed as an adult.
Back
to top
The
logic of achieving your goals
What you focus
on is key. A philosophy based on taking satisfaction directly from
the effort (rather than focusing on a desired result, which can
arouse fears of failure or rejection) is key. It is the journey
itself, not the destination, which is the most rewarding. There
is nothing mystical about this, or even very out of the ordinary.
It is just a matter of emphasis, and when viewed in terms of your
goals can go a long way to making your life more enjoyable and productive.
It is the journey
itself, not the destination! Making that first step rewarding, together
with those steps that follow it, is no mean feat. To do so, you
will need to start thinking in new ways. Let's step back for a moment
and look at the logical components of achieving your goals.
The anticipation
that discomfort will accompany performance-or-abstinence in tasks
necessary to reach your goals is what blocks the performance of
those tasks. There are four ways to reverse this feeling:
-
Pleasure
will accompany performance/abstinence (arouse enthusiasm).
Example: Working out with friends at a health club is a useful
way of overcoming aversion to a task important to improving
your health.
-
Discomfort
will not accompany performance/abstinence (ease the
pain). Example: Doing stretching exercises at home in short
intervals is a way of supplementing a more rigorous workout,
without discomfort, leading to a predisposition to work out
more in the future.
-
Discomfort
will accompany neglect/indulgence (make it imperative).
Example: Drinking alcohol while using a prescription drug like
Antabuse (an alcohol use inhibitor), will make you feel quite
ill.
-
Pleasure
will not accompany neglect/indulgence (remove temptation).
Changing into your pajamas and preparing for bed, rather than
making plans to join friends in a social circumstance in which
the potential for alcohol abuse exists.
Any "ally"
you can create for yourself as you seek to complete a task and achieve
your goals may serve to arouse enthusiasm, ease your pain, make
what you are doing imperative and remove temptation. You can endure
just about any burden and achieve just about any goal if you don't
have to do it alone.
Back
to top
Criticism
Fear of criticism
can be a great source of impedance, so consider sharing your ideas
with someone you trust and respect. They may endorse your thinking
or help modify it. There is nothing weak or shameful about asking
for help. Strong leaders do it all the time. Successful people rely
on others, knowing that differing life experiences and perspectives
can help strengthen their own thinking.
Self esteem
hinges on your wish to be of value and serve others. Forgive yourself
for past failings. You can be the kind of person you want to be
right now if you take the resources you have and put them to the
best possible use. Do not compare yourself to someone with greater
or different resources. You can sensibly rate yourself only by how
well you apply your available resources: mental, physical, economic
and social. Learn to take satisfaction directly from the effort!
Back
to top
Charting
your way to overcoming problems
Often it helps
to sketch out the components of a plan or project. Engineers do
it all the time. You can too, as you develop your own problem solving
skills. Begin with a clear statement of the problem expressed as
a trouble or problem to deal with or goal to attain. Just think
about it for a moment, or say it out loud to yourself so it becomes
clear. Next, take a pencil and paper and construct a table with
three columns: Trouble, Goal, and Idea.
If you state
a trouble, the goal is the corresponding contradictory proposition.
Eg, Trouble = the motor does not work; Goal = the motor will work.
Similarly, Trouble = I am sick; Goal = I will be well.
Ideas are
thoughts for action leading toward a goal. If an idea for solving
a problem raises a new problem (or hitch), write this in the next
row of the table. For instance, here is an example from my book . . .
| |
Trouble |
Goal |
Idea |
| 1. |
I have
no goals. |
To find
goals. |
Seek
goals through activities, hobbies, meeting people. |
| 2. |
None
of those things interest me anymore. |
That
they will be interesting. |
Analyze
trouble. |
| 3. |
I'm
feeling depressed. |
To relieve
depression. |
Analyze
trouble.
|
| 4. |
I fail
at everything. |
To succeed. |
Use
my obvious talents. |
| 5. |
When
I start to succeed, I feel I don't deserve to. |
That
success will come without guilt. |
Analyze
trouble. |
| 6a. |
My spouse
likes me to be helpless and dependent; and |
That
I will cease to be helpless and dependent; or |
Assist
my spouse in gaining counseling (unlikely); or |
| 6b. |
I don't
realize what my spouse is up to. |
That
I will understand what my spouse is doing. |
Analyze
why I don't recognize spouse's adverse influence. (Done) |
| 7. |
Spouse
seems so kind, loving and helpful.
|
That
spouse will not seem so kind, loving and helpful.
|
Friend
describes similar "double binds" (damned if you
do and damned if you don't).
|
Problem solving
can then proceed by deriving the corresponding Goal and Idea(s).
One can go on to as many rows of Trouble, Goal and Idea as needed
to solve the problem. It is vital to realize that an idea is not
useless simply because it has a hitch. An important key to problem
solving is to avoid discarding such ideas too fast, or putting off
action due to too many secondary problems. A hitch may be handled
as any other item in the Trouble column.
If no bright
idea comes to mind when reaching the Idea column, what can you do?
Any number of standard ideas can be selected and inserted here.
These include (a) ask for help, (b) analyze the trouble, (c) get
information, and (d) try everything.
In analyzing
the trouble, list all the conditions for the trouble's existence
in the Trouble column.
Careful extraction
and statement of all necessary conditions for a trouble, at any
level on the table, is the key to discovering innovative new departures
for solving old problems. Often, many necessary conditions for a
trouble go unstated or are not considered because they seem so absurdly
obvious or axiomatic.
False analysis
of a trouble is a common pitfall. It can block constructive thinking
and prevent solution of the problem. If you ask Anne why she does
not like Mary, and she replies, "because I just don't; that's all,"
she has explained nothing. She has given you a redundancy, not a
reason.
A less obvious
redundancy is name-calling. For example, "Bob avoids work because
he is lazy." If the primary trouble is that Bob avoids work, the
statement, "He is lazy," does not deserve a position in the second
row of the trouble column, because it explains nothing. It merely
restates the primary trouble. Psychological labeling is possibly
the most deceptive form of redundancy because it gives the appearance
of sophistication and superior knowledge. Such seemingly "scientific"
comments block constructive thinking by appearing to be explanations
-- but are in fact no more than personal attacks or name-calling.
Whether you
decide to experiment with self-constructed tables or not is a decision
you will have to make on your own, but with minimal effort, by creating
a tabular outline of a problem you can:
- promote
self-understanding
- teach yourself
new ways to handle problems
- stimulate
positive feelings of self-control and mastery
The value of
tabular outlines notwithstanding, let me suggest another way of
"sketching" a schematic outline of a problem that can make the issues
underlying it more visible. If you're resisting the idea of sitting
down and creating a table, you might consider what we call a "radial
outline."
How hard is
that? Not very. Once you see just how easy it is to create a radial
outline, you'll begin to see possible solutions branch out (radiate)
from the main item, in the way that a tree's branches connect to
the trunk. Here's an example of an outline developed by a professional
colleague of mine.
 |
Example of radial outline from Richard Fobes'
book,
The Creative Problem Solver's Toolbox.
|
Putting ideas
in a radial outline (instead of tabular form) offers the advantage
of keeping related ideas together in groups. When there are many
ideas in the outline, this grouping makes it easier to focus attention
on one category or group of ideas at a time. Depending on what works
best for you, you might choose either option. What's important,
of course, is taking the time to consider problems in a logical,
organized and constructive way. And by sketching out a problem,
you're not only making it visible, you're admitting to yourself
that it's important and needs to be dealt with.
Make your problems
graphical using tables and radial outlines, as shown above. Enlist
help, if possible, to brainstorm for more ideas. By doing these
things you will be enormously empowered to tackle whatever life
throws at you. You will experience new hope. Hope energizes
and inspires effort.
Back
to top
The
"M" word (medication)
You've heard
this before, but I think it's worth repeating: Much of what gets
called illness or dysfunction is in whole or part no more than a
chemical imbalance in the body. Diabetes comes to mind as an obvious
example, but there are many other conditions that fall into the
category of bad body chemistry, including some that affect the way
we think and feel.
If you feel
chronically depressed or anxious and have found no relief in psychotherapy,
why not see your doctor and see if it makes sense to try medication?
More to the point, if depression or anxiety are impediments to reaching
your goals, then medication (perhaps combined with "talking" therapy)
might help.
Many people
I've worked with over the years are strongly resistant to even considering
medication. Depressed patients often say, "I want to lick this on
my own." I compare their condition to diabetes or asthma, and say,
"Would you refuse insulin or inhalants?"
They may reply,
"But that's different!" I ask in response, "How is it different?"
They often reply, "Well, that's physical." I tell them their
condition is also physical, but often they still demure. Here's
one variation on a theme I often hear: "I don't want to be a pill-taker.
My aunt was always complaining and taking a whole bunch of pills.
They didn't seem to do her any good. I don't want to end up like
her."
It is almost
impossible to comment on third-party descriptions such as that of
the pill-obsessed aunt, but such observations have little bearing
on individual conditions. Many people who are depressed deny it.
This may be due, in part, to lack of knowledge about how subtle
depression can be. Denial is understandable for other reasons; often
people feel stigmatized by the term depression, as though
it were some form of character weakness. Some say they do not want
to use a medication as a crutch. I ask them what's wrong with crutches
if one has a sprained ankle.
Here's something
you may find surprising: Many emotionally crippling conditions seem
to be based on a genetic defect in the activity of neurotransmitters,
such as dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine. These
conditions include: alcoholism, substance abuse, smoking, compulsive
overeating and obesity, attention deficit disorder, Tourette's syndrome
and pathological depression, panic attacks, phobias, obsessions,
compulsions, addictions, kleptomania, narcolepsy, irritable bowel,
migraine headaches and tendencies to excessive spending and gambling.
There was a
time when diabetics, epileptics and thyroid-deficient patients were
regarded as having weak characters that brought their conditions
on themselves. The same attitudes are widespread for the conditions
we are discussing. Their victims are often made to feel ashamed
of having to "take drugs."
Bottom line:
The pharmaceutical industry has developed a host of medications
in the last decade that can positively impact our feelings and moods.
Antidepressants are not addictive; they produce no high, and will
not do a thing for people who do not suffer from a shortage of neurotransmitter
activity. Side effects are moderate to nonexistent. Consider your
circumstances; if you think medication might help you reach your
goals, why not talk to your doctor?
Back
to top
Criticism,
vulnerability and conflicting demands
No matter what
you do, someone, somewhere will be critical of your actions. People
will try to make you feel guilty. They will call you selfish for
not doing things their way. Some will try to make you feel
guilt or shame over things you cannot control. In some instances
the criticism directed against you may be justified, in others it
may be unfair in the extreme. This is regardless of the fact that
you, me and most of humanity are trying to do our best under conditions
that are less than optimal. This is why you must have your own compass
to guide you amid the cacophony of others' opinions.
Your race,
gender, sexual orientation, ancestry, beliefs, tastes, and physical
attributes are at the center of your personal identity and, along
with your life experience, make up the primary components of your
selfhood. But you -- the very essence of what you are -- may be
less than ideal to someone who views you, your ideas and even your
actions as inconsistent with their own ideals, values and expectations.
In its most
pernicious form, the criticisms you encounter may be no more or
less than unvarnished bigotry. Conversely, they may represent objectively
appropriate criticisms based on your past actions or current attitudes.
Here I must be emphatic: Let no one deny you for any of those
things. Even your own past! To the extent you can make right
the wrongs you have done, do so. But alas, we have all made mistakes
we cannot undo and hold attitudes that may be less than correct.
Is it too much
to ask that you forgive yourself for what you are and focus instead
on what you may become? That will make it easier to forgive those
who have truly wronged you and to focus on the fabulous journey
you are on along the way to achieving your goals.
We often find
ourselves trying to meet conflicting demands, but no one can serve
two masters. Occasionally an individual may put you in a double
bind, in which nothing you do will please them. "Speak up!"
(But you'd better watch what you say!) "Assert yourself!" (But not
toward me!) "I am going to let you take charge, so get moving!"
(But don't move too fast!)
We often find
ourselves in "Catch 22," no-win situations in which we are damned-if-we-do
and damned-if-we-don't. Sometimes life really is unfair and forces
us to pick the least harmful among a host of bad options. If that's
the case, make the best choice you can and recognize you don't really
have to assume too much guilt if the outcome of your decision is
less than salutary. It is enough of a challenge to do the right
thing when we have some control over a situation. Never take on
guilt for that over which you have no control.
How do the
various topics I have reviewed in the last few pages relate to reaching
your goals? All of us operate in emotional as well as logical environments.
Whether you think your way into a positive frame of mind, create
charts to better understand your problems and how to solve them,
or even seek professional help to deal with intractable feelings
or life situations, a good, strong healthy ego is one of the best
indicators of a healthy psyche. Feeling happy and self-assured
is the ideal mindset for overcoming procrastination and fear.
It's not all that hard to take action once the road ahead is cleared
of self-doubt and regret. Ready to take the first step?
Back
to top
Your
instrumental nature
Imagine for
a moment, that you are experiencing what is often the most painful
and terrifying moment in life -- that you are dying. But as you
prepare to breathe your last, your hand encounters a . . .
magic button! From the darkness, a calm voice of reason speaks out
to you: "If you choose to press the button, you will still die,
but you will free the world from all evil and injustice. There will
be no fame and glory for you beyond what you have already achieved.
Your death is still assured and nobody will ever know whether you
chose to push the button or not. How do you choose?"
If you would
press that button, you have what I call an instrumental nature.
In choosing you are demonstrating a desire to be instrumental
in the relief of suffering, in making the world around you a better
place. By exhibiting a desire to make a positive contribution to
mankind, regardless of any recognition or personal gain, you are
acting on the highest moral plane.
This instrumental
nature is not just something you ought to have. You already
have it! So do others, and when they demonstrate it in day-to-day
life it represents the selflessness and generosity of spirit that
inspires us all. You may have difficulty discovering the instrumental
nature within yourself because: (a) There is so much static from
your creature nature, which is the sum of all your wishes
and fears, mental and physical; and, (b) Your instrumental nature,
like the creature nature, is so often frustrated.
The instrumental
nature is not contrary to self-caring, because our first duty is
to take good care of ourselves. This is hard work and does not win
much praise. Regular exercise, proper diet, and eliminating unhealthy
habits demand effort. Preventing others from tyrannizing us, while
checking our own tendencies to tyrannize, is a struggle. To fulfill
our instrumental nature, we must get our own house in order physically
and mentally.
Lest cynics
proclaim that evolution favors those lacking moral qualities, in
his book, Consilience, the distinguished evolutionary
scientist, E. O. Wilson, writes, "To the [documented] heritability
of moral aptitude, add the abundant evidence of history that cooperative
individuals generally survive longer and leave more offspring. It
is to be expected that in the course of evolutionary history, genes
predisposing people toward cooperative behavior would have come
to predominate in the human population as a whole."
Wilson cites
the following rule in the evolutionary origin of altruism: "If the
reduction of survival and reproduction of individuals due to genes
for altruism is more than offset by the increased probability of
survival of the group due to the altruism, then altruism genes will
rise in frequency throughout the entire population. Put as concisely
as possible: The individual pays; his genes and tribe gain; altruism
spreads."
Exercising
your instrumental nature does not require that you impress people
with your virtue. Real virtue is different from making a show of
it. Accept the accusation of selfishness. Have you ever noticed
how the manipulative people in your life try to put you on the defensive
by using the charge of selfishness? Tyrants always claim moral superiority.
They dominate you "for your own good." They expect you to be grateful
to them. Good people admit that the good things they do are for
their own gratification. They acknowledge "selfish" motives for
their kindness.
Back
to top
On
risk taking and failure
Doing the best
you can is the most that any of us can do. Do not compare your achievements
with those of others. You can sensibly rate yourself only by how
well you apply your available resources -- mental, physical, economic,
and social.
Effort carries
the risk of failure. The merit lies in taking risks, regardless
of the outcome. The present is the only thing over which you have
command. Rate yourself on the basis of how well you are handling
it, not some idealized or insubstantial standard designed by someone
other than yourself.
Are you struggling
with pain and regret associated with some incident or relationship
in your past life? Put your failings in perspective. Read the life
of any great public personage and invariably you'll discover not
only instances of outright failure, but even outright debacles.
Winston Churchill comes to mind, whose failings were manifold (often
because he was undercut by less visionary colleagues), yet he was
arguably the greatest military-political leader of the 20th century.
Churchill, by the way, tended to focus on large goals and then head
for them with ferocious tenacity.
Give yourself
credit for meeting day-to-day obligations! If you think yourself
undeserving or less than noteworthy because you are merely carrying
out mundane tasks over which you have no control, think again. To
paraphrase a lovely old folk song, "To every season there's a purpose
for every thing under heaven." To paraphrase Freud, who knew a thing
or two however you view him. "We have only two things in life: that
which we do and that which we love." Work and love are both life
affirming and creative and provide a marvelous context for examining
our lives and moving forward.
Yes, life is
inherently risky. "The only thing you really have to do is die,"
as my somewhat cynical buddies used to say back in my Army days.
That is why some people cannot bring themselves to make any sort
of effort in the first place, never mind assay a serious risk. They
want guaranteed results ahead of time, which is of course, impossible.
The result of such a mind set is inaction, or "being stuck," to
borrow a common and highly apt phrase. A sound personal philosophy
requires the willingness to make an extra effort. Effort is an enlightened
gamble for which there is a reasonable possibility of success.
In many respects,
life is one big "meantime" or ma–ana. We are either busy
going about our day-today business or waiting for some anticipated
event to occur over which we have little or no control. Surprisingly,
it is in this time that we find nearly all of our opportunities
to do something special or out of the ordinary.
Extraordinary
effort can only occur in the present. Philosophers and religious
teachers correctly exalt the need to take action now, while pointing
out the present is no more than a fleeting point in time and, paradoxically,
may be the best approximation of eternity we ever experience. The
present is the only time that really exists, say existentialists.
We are like
surfers on a perpetual wave, surging into the future and leaving
the past behind. We cannot change the past, so we should not waste
mental effort on how we should have acted. We cannot act
in the future, because it does not yet exist. For those of us focused
on realizing our potential in the fullest, these are powerful ideas.
Back
to top
